Have the Elders kept their Promises? Part 4 “The Book of Forgiving”
The priority of reconciliation
One of the most important promises the current Elders made was to undertake a process of reconciliation with people hurt by the church. Regrettably, this process is not complete, nor have the Elders kept the congregation of Willow Creek Community Church (WCCC) apprised of the progress. There has been ample time and opportunity for significant headway, if not completion, of this critical endeavor. Arguably, this should have been the top priority for the Elders when they came on board over a year ago.
The promises to follow the guidelines in The Book of Forgiving
Following, are promises and statements the current Elders made regarding implementing a reconciliation process like that in The Book of Forgiving. These are examples and are not exhaustive. NOTE: much of the information below was shared with the Elders and they have not responded:
1. “. . . the Independent Advisory Group, who also commissioned us to design and make available a reconciliation process to provide hope and healing for broken relationships. They suggested that we engage a truth and reconciliation process similar to what is outlined in The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. This four-fold path includes: telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship. We are grateful for the IAG’s work, we accept their conclusions, we are committed to follow through on their recommendations.” (Elder Update – July 19, 2019, Shoji Boldt on video at 21:49)
2. “Behavior that is hurtful, shaming, abusive or demeaning must be brought into the fierce light of truth. And truth can be brutal. In fact, truth may exasperate [sic] the hurt, it might make things worse, but if we want real forgiveness and real healing we must face the real injury.” (Elder Update – July 19, 2019, Shoji Boldt on video at 23:14)
3. “In order for reconciliation to take place, we need to listen to the stories. This is a private process over time.” (Elder Update – July 19, 2019, Shoji Boldt on video at 22:49)
4. “We are working with various experts on church abuse and reconciliation and have been reminded again of the care that leads to healing. We desire to listen and learn, to seek and extend forgiveness, to look back at our failings and forward to our future. We ask for prayer as we continue this work, and we ask for understanding as we pursue this work privately rather than publicly. We will provide general updates when appropriate.” (Elder Update – October 24, 2019)
5. “We are saddened that some feel we have not adequately apologized for the harms that have taken place at Willow over the years. For some, it has been helpful to reread past apologies offered by us and the former Elder Board. We affirm and stand behind these apologies. (August 8, 2018; February 28, 2019; April 17, 2019, July 19, 2019; January 28, 2020)” (Elder Update FAQs: March 10, 2020)
It was good for the Elders to implement a “truth and reconciliation process,” but there were problems right from the beginning. Shoji Boldt referenced a four-fold path (see number 2 above), but this was not correct the path for the church to follow. According to The Book of Forgiving, the path Shoji referenced was for victims; there is a different path for the perpetrators of harm. This path is:
1. Admitting the wrong
2. Witnessing the anguish and apologizing
3. Asking for forgiveness
4. Renewing or releasing the relationship
These two paths may seem similar, but they are very different in practice. The path for perpetrators starts with a different posture. The first step is initiated from an awareness and admission of the harm inflicted. The current Elders knew enough of the hurts the church perpetrated to begin this process with humility and honesty. Following is a look at how the Elders have handled each step. Quotes from The Book of Forgiving, along with the page number, start each section
Admitting the wrong
After years of hiding their activities, they had to stand up in a public place and tell the truth of their cruelty, callousness, and murderous actions. Yes, they were granted amnesty, but justice was not subverted in the hearts of the many victims and their families who needed to know the truth, p. 36.
Ideally, the Fourfold Path begins with the one who has inflicted the harm admitting what they have done, p.173.
We hope that our contrition will heal the relationship we have impaired, so we set out bravely. Even though we are uncertain of the outcome, we know this journey is our only hope for freedom and wholeness, p.173.
The current Elders have acknowledged some of the wrongs of the church, but these admissions are fragmented, occurring through many meetings and statements, and never addressed all the harms committed by the leaders of the church.
Two important aspects of admitting the wrong were discussed in my post on Transparency. First, the “core beliefs” of WCCC church recognize the danger of failing to publicly acknowledge sin in a recognized teacher or leader. Second, the Elders’ continual statements of pursuing reconciliation in private violates the desire of many people for a more public forum for the completion of this important step. In particular, some of the women hurt by Bill Hybels have expressed they want the whole truth exposed. Additionally, The Book of Forgiving also stresses the importance of bringing the truth to light.
Witnessing the anguish and apologizing
We must be careful not to self-justify or excuse our actions in any way, p. 175.
A hollow or insincere apology can only compound the initial damage done, p. 181
It may be factually true that we were not in our right mind, but we still must be accountable for every action we take in life that hurts another. There can be no reconciliation without responsibility, p. 175
The current Elders said they listened to stories of women hurt by the church. After witnessing the details from several women, the Elders said they were “deeply grieved and disrupted at the core of our being.” Sadly, the empathy and anguish the Elders exhibited did not lead to appropriate apologies.
The Elder Update on March 10, 2020 indicates the Elders denial of reality. The statement is listed as number 6 above, but bears repeating here:
We are saddened that some feel we have not adequately apologized for the harms that have taken place at Willow over the years. For some, it has been helpful to reread past apologies offered by us and the former Elder Board. We affirm and stand behind these apologies. (Elder Update FAQs: March 10, 2020)
The Elders “affirm and stand behind theses apologies” when they so clearly fail to meet their own guidelines! Instead, the Elders should try to understand why this question is being asked. Instead of defending inadequate admission and apologies, the Elders must face the facts that the church has not done a good job apologizing.
One activity I performed when I served on the Leadership Advisory Council of Marcus Bieschke, former Lead Pastor of Willow Crystal Lake, was to review the public apologies in comparison to the harms that were inflicted, and to the guidelines in The Book of Forgiving. This review showed that most (practically all) of the church’s apologies are inadequate. Specifically, the apologies are shrouded in vague language, lack of personal responsibility, excuses, justification, and questions about the victim’s stories. Also, the apologies are incomplete in addressing all the harms and all the victims.
Following is a key example of how the current Elders failed to recognize, and actually defended, inappropriate apologies with their own defensive and blaming language:
To the Elder Board of 2018: We acknowledge that there was an unfair assumption that you acted with malice. We have seen the public anger and judgment directed toward you. We acknowledge the harmful impact on you and your families. We believe that Bill’s denials and failure to acknowledge sinful, intimidating, and overly controlling behavior led leaders to make statements that were misinformed and incomplete. The former Elders, along with the former lead pastors, apologized, expressed remorse, and resigned in 2018. We extend God’s grace just as we have freely received grace. We invite our fellow believers to join us in extending God’s grace. (Elder Update – July 19, 2019, bold added for emphasis)
This statement violated The Book of Forgiving by blaming the former Elder’s actions on Bill Hybels. It may be true that Bill was intimidating and controlling, but the Elders controlled their own behavior and made the decision to lie to the church and vilify the victims. As The Book of Forgiving states: “We must be careful not to self-justify or excuse our actions in any way.”
The current Elders are blatantly ignoring their own guidelines when they state that the former Elders apologized and expressed remorse. One example is how the apologies Missy Rasmussen offered for the Elders did not meet the guidelines of The Book of Forgiving (Willow Creek Update, Statements from the Willow Creek Elders, Heather Larson, and Steve Gillen on August 8, 2018). Although these guidelines were not implemented by the former Elders, the current Elders could clearly see that their colleague’s apologies were inadequate. The apologies were wrong in many ways, including, but not limited to:
· They used excuses about their trust in Bill to soften their own culpability.
· They failed to name all the victims, for example, John Ortberg nor the Mellados were mentioned.
· Missy apologized to Vonda by saying: “we are sorry we allowed Bill’s statement calling you a liar to stand,” when the Elders themselves also called Vonda a liar in their email statements.
· Heather Larson failed to make any apologies in her talk. She said she has apologized to staff and individuals, but this stage was an opportunity to clearly admit her part to the church and ask forgiveness. Instead, she was more self-aggrandizing than offering any kind of apology.
Asking for forgiveness
When we genuinely seek forgiveness, we will do whatever it takes to make things right–we will be willing not only to ask the victim if they will grant us forgiveness but also to offer whatever form of restitution they require in order to forgive, p. 183-184.
Instead of giving the opportunity for victims to “grant forgiveness,” the perpetrators of harm are to ask for forgiveness. The Elders admitted that the women hurt by Bill Hybels and the church were not satisfied (see my post on Transparency). It may be tempting to think, and I have heard people say, that the women will never be satisfied. This is not the case. It would be too lengthy to recite or reference all the information that was written, but I have read much of what the victims are requesting and it is not unreasonable. Mainly, the women want all the truth to come to light and they want appropriate apologies. It is unclear why the Elders have not been able to meet the victims’ needs, but if the Elders don’t agree with the victim’s expectations they should be transparent and tell the church.
Part of asking forgiveness is offering restitution. This is not just monetary amends, but providing whatever the victims need to heal and forgive. The Elder’s failure to address this guideline is actually a three-fold breaking of promises. They have failed to complete or communicate about restitution as listed in the Independent Advisory Group’s recommendations (IAG Report, recommendation 3.); they failed to be transparent about restitution; and they failed to follow through with the guidelines from The Book of Forgiving.
Renewing or releasing the relationship
Often our relationships can grow stronger through the process of admitting a wrong and asking for forgiveness, p. 188.
This aspect of forgiveness is common to both fourfold paths, but there is a different perspective for victims and perpetrators. Often, the victims will need to make their requests to those who have hurt them, telling them what they need to reconcile. The decision to continue or release the relationship is then dependent on whether the victims’ needs are met. Reconciliation is also dependent on whether a relationship existed prior to the harm.
The perpetrator must approach this part of the path differently. As was seen in the Asking Forgiveness step, the offender should do whatever is in their power to meet the needs of the victim. The onus is on the one who inflicted harm to create the best environment to facilitate reconciliation.
During her talk at the Worship and Reflection service, Shoji Boldt stated that the Elders had initiated the first two steps of the fourfold path (Elder Update – July 19, 2019, Shoji Boldt on video at 26:50). However, because the Elders were not following the appropriate path, Shoji put the responsibility on the victims to continue the process. Had the Elders understood the fourfold path for perpetrators, they would have stated that they would continue to pursue the last two steps.
Christians have a connection no matter the depth of their interpersonal relationship. We are one in spirit because of our connection with the Holy Spirit (see John 17). We should do everything in our power to heal the relationship with a brother or sister in Christ.
Why this Information is Important
This has been a difficult post to write. It may seem that it is opinion or nitpicking over semantics to determine “appropriate apologies,” but really understanding the words is important. Also, it is more than just the apologies that are at issue. I hope it is clear that all the steps from The Book of Forgiving need to be revisited. The bottom line is this: many of the victims, maybe all, hurt by the church are not satisfied and are not reconciled. If the Elders have committed to this process, why is this the case?
This is the fourth post presenting evidence that indicates the Elders have not kept their promises. It is difficult and sad to see this pattern of behavior. It is difficult to understand how promises can be consistently broken. More importantly, it is heartbreaking to see how the church is suffering because the Elders’ failures to keep their promises.
The way we treat our brothers and sisters in Christ is evidence that God the Father sent Jesus into the world. Our love for each other is a picture of God’s love. The church still has the opportunity to reconcile, but the longer we delay, the higher the probability this will never be accomplished. Repentance, restitution, and reconciliation are the right things to do. More importantly, they are the loving things to do, and our lives in Christ are ruled by love above all else.
The church will not experience full healing and freedom unless we complete the hard work of reconciliation. The Elders are bound by their promises to finish this process.
Recommendations for action
While The Book of Forgiving is a great resource for the process of reconciliation, the Bible is also clear that we should treat each other, especially our brothers and sisters in Christ, with love and respect. The Book of Forgiving says we should do this because of our common humanity, but the Bible tells us to love each other because of our common Spirit. I implore the Elders, and the church, to remember that we are one with each other and with God, and that is why we love.
The Bible is the ultimate source of truth, and we must understand what it says about how to treat each other. Nevertheless, please read The Book of Forgiving. The Elders cannot be helped or held accountable if the church does not stay informed of both the promises the Elders made and the guidelines they chose to follow. Please appeal to the Elders to continue this process and to inform the church of their progress. It is not too late and we should not move on until this important work is complete.
Please continue to pray for the Elders, the women and men hurt by the church, and those engaged by the church to help the process of repentance, restitution and reconciliation.
This post concludes the series “Have the Elders kept their Promises?” My next post will look at some foundational elements of how we got here.